Deeper...

Just going through a really dry season..

kinda been feeling down towards the end of this year, getting hammered by life, only barely passing exams.. jobless.. tough times working out relationships.. haha the lot really. its been kind of fruitless this half of the year and i guess just been getting these very pessimistic thoughts.


One of these thoughts keep recurring.. Its always me standing there in the dark, always seeing god and her, they're always having a great time, they have a great relationship..

and im always just standing there.. yearning to open my mouth and say something, or to join in with the fun.

"Why dont i ever have that with you lord?.."

I've always felt like im the X-factor, like why i cant do something as well as someone else can, or why im so slow to understand or cant explain myself.. when all my brothers can so easily, they can talk to girls, they know exactly what truth to bring out and speak into someone's life whereas I'm always stuck for words or finding the 'right' thing to say.. I feel so intimidated when i try and approach them.

.. and so i turn around and walk away, i dont even know where to go..

I'm nothing like who she is for you, I dont even deserve to be in your presence.

But the second i turn around and take the first step away. You're always already there right behind me asking "where are you going?". I'm always convicted.. I guess im just happy enough that you noticed me..

and the thought repeats and recurs every time i think about it. Its just a boulder i cant get over..

The more recent one is somewhat like it.. it reminds me of a little toddler who is so spoilt that they don't realise the value of the toys that their parents give them... and they throw it away. [that just really gets me.. the toddler doesnt understand how much the parent gave just to buy them this toy, and they just get over it.. :P i guess you cant blame them]

It seems like a similar dream. I'm sitting in the corner alone and im surrounded by so many toys and shes over the other side of the room with cooler toys and so much more.. The daddy's playing with her and embracing her (as usual).. and im left to wonder... why i even have these dusty toys.. i dont have anyone to share these toys with.. noone else has use for them? (who wants second hand toys anyways??).. and finally i guess I just want the affection and attention of the one who gave them to me..

I guess I'm just going through a spiritual dry dry drought season. The 'toys' or gifts ive been blessed with doesnt seem like they're doing anyone else any good anymore.. and though i know im not.. i still feel so inadequate, Moreso i feel as if i cant approach you anymore without seeing how awesome she is and feeling intimidated that im not good enough..

Lord i know you love me so much.. it hurts you (just like it hurts the parent who gave their child those gifts, only for the love they showed to be tossed away) to see me in this way but i know i can trust you with my heart. Your've never let me down ever.. Make or Break it.. its yours lord. If you allow it.. I just want to be closer to you. That is my heart's true desire...

Though it breaks my heart to know shes leaving, the only regret i have is that i couldnt be a better friend for her.. that i let my feelings get in the way.. Im so sorry G. I just hope i can be remembered as a friend when we meet in heaven.. I've never blamed you for these things happening to me.. its just me. I really pray your husband will be an amazing man of god, that he'll be everything your heart has wanted in Jesus' name, I'd love to rejoice with you on that day..

As for me.. I can only pray that you make me into the man of god you desire for me, lord. Everything i read today in boundless.. Confidence.. Responsible.. having a godly leadership and council to be able to lead a family.. to have the courage to give up my life for and stand up for my friends and family when persecution comes their way, to receive your heavenly wisdom to do exactly that and stamp down satan when he tries to attack them.. Lord I'm an armourbearer in your name only.. if its your will, speak through me and help me to build them up to be amazing leaders, to encourage and empower when they need, to rebuke and protect them with my shield of faith and sword of the spirit, when satan speaks lies into their lives. This is my prayer to you alone, lord.

I know you will never forsake me.. that those dreams are lies from satan to take me further away from me and your will for me and others in my life.

What can i say? Lord we've been through too much together already.. i cant walk away from you. I can only go deeper with you...