a personal encounter..

Do you remember the analogy of the martha and mary service? how the mary service is where you really soak in and receive the word? and how the martha service is the one where you serve and sow into people's lives? i think its a good idea to have a balance between the two.. however thats exactly what i havent been having..

well i think in this season, i've had so little mary services.. perhaps i didnt believe it to be that important.. that I was a 'mature' christian.. i can just sow into other people's lives and nothing will go wrong.. God will love me for it cause i love serving so much ;) but that attitude and thinking is totally wrong to think that you dont need to improve in your walk.. that your already mature enough to take on the world. Its so dangerous cause it invites pride into your life.

Something that Dan talked about today, really challenged me.. (he didn't directly challenge me but something he said)


My bro is awesome at guitar... it takes him like 30 seconds to learn a song while it takes me ages..

Hahaha wow thats awesome.. hmm dont u ever feel inadequate compared to him?

hahah not really not at all.. in fact if anything it motivates me to work harder to be like him..


Honestly, to have a godly mindset like that.. i think someone would have to be so secure in what gods called for them... so selfless to the point that they had no pride in what they possessed or learned.. but all of the glory REALLY went to god.. not all speech or physical appearance. I think thats what god spoke to me about today..

Here i am thinking im all that.. that im a godly enough man to date the most beautiful godly woman, that im so intellegent to the point that i dont need to ask my programming tutor nor classmates for help, that i was a godly enough man to be up there in the same rank with my brothers in their godly wisdom (which they clearly have never for a second felt that way towards me) when all that was just a pure shot of pride. To think i never needed help with anything was the wrong mindset altogether.

what does this have anything to do with martha and mary services? not much actually.. i just like rambling :P

but it does have relevance to is what happened in praise and worship, during the recording of that song, "The beautiful exchange". Maybe it was when i was doing the other worship songs but i felt really negative thoughts unintentionally while i was standing next to dan..

just seeing how he worshipped, occasionally he'd lift his hands. And i would think:

"Yeh ive been there before, i lift my hands longer than he or anyone else does, its nothing special ur just standing there lifting ur hands." althought i have these negative thoughts i know how to control them. but thats when it hit me. Since when was the last time i had a personal encounter..?

i thought personal encounters are something that are wildlife age stuff.. real immature stuff.. i guess becoming a leader i tried too hard.. and i let those things i used to love doing in worship die.. i finally let the fire burn out i realised after so many people have spoken into my life, "dont let that fire burn out , jeff".. and guess what? i did so without even realising it. i let my personal encounters become religious acts to show ppl how to worship.. (being a backup vocalist doesnt exactly help here, in fact ive felt so fake in my worship serving)

But god brought me back today and he broke my heart down, for the better....

When i first heard this song, i saw dan worshipping with all his heart.. not showing off.. but pure genuine worship. and i guess thats what brought me back to my old wildlife days when i felt on fire for god, when i actually had a personal encounter with him in worship.

"god what will it take for me to have that personal encounter again?"

I guess thats when the song lyrics started pounding me, every stanza i felt convicted me. How proud i was.. How far from him i really was, thinking i was right before him. and ultimately how much he loved me. I started boring my eyes out.. What a wreck i actually am. I cried my eyes out and cried out to god, as each word rung out truth cause it was so true in my life.

Thats when i felt nothing for mistakes i made (i managed to utter a testie pop during this song that i wouldve cringed at) but i felt no shame, cause i really believed i was giving god my all though not out of pride, but out of a genuine desire for a personal encounter even though it felt like anything i could try and do was trash compared to anything else ppl were giving to god.. and god just broke my heart up and then put it all back together again.

Thanks Dan, the way you live your life really brings glory to god, your genuine worship has the capacity to break someone like me down. And srsly god's working through you in ways you never even thought or expected like just then. I really honour you for putting god's desires before your own. How you're not searching for a relationship but rather searching for god's heart and his will over your life. Thank you for the man of god your've been faithful to god to become. Never lose sight of who you are and what amazing selfless calling you're doing in jesus name!

Also thanks Gea, for the mindset urve imparted to me. To challenge us to live and give all or nothing for Jesus. To allow yourself to be absolutely, genuinely and selflessly spent must have cost so much for you to arrive at this point where EVERYTHING you do you do for the glory of god. If anything, you've indirectly challenged and encouraged me to live out my life in the fullest being fully spent for his kingdom. To not be afraid when the holy spirit calls me to administer or show love to people who may be homeless, hungry, more unfortunate than us. I believe i finally understand. it was never you i liked but rather how attractive you are. but what led me to believe that it was genuine love for you (even when i hardly knew you as a friend) was the godly character thats evident in you. I guess thats why i was intimidated to approach you as a friend in the first place. Here we have an awesome woman of god, thats fully secure in christ, how could i ever amount to anything as awesome as she is? But like what Dan said, if your not good enough dont beat yourself up but work harder for it. I really want the kind of selfless character that gods shaped through you, Gea. I dont want that for my own life, but i desperately want to be fruitful for gods kingdom. Thank you for being such a blessing in my life.

And finally thanks Caleb, for always being there for me, running this race alongside me. You always tell me the truth even if it hurts, but i appreciate that. You probably know but im the kind of guy that needs reassurance in what im doing. I need things to be confirmed for me. And thats what you srsly do in my life aside from imparting awesome wisdom, I value your words, your thoughts so much though im sorry if i cant understand it enough or too insensitive to appreciate the heartfelt words you always share with me. I remember when we became good brothers, we both asked each other to be armourbearers to one another, but ive always felt that your've been called to do great things while i pick you up if you ever need. But sometimes ive felt that you're actually the armourbearer instead when you speak such a great encouragement into my life. But really, thank you bro. You really are an amazing companion of my life ;)

Finally lord, i just pray that you continue to build me up to be the man that you want me to be. Discard this pride in that im too proud to admit i need help when i really do. I want to be fully spent all or nothing, wherever your calling for my life is. I want to lay down my own desires and pursue you ferverantly. Even though im going through hard times for exams, I couldnt be any more content for what you've done for me this weekend, what junk you've put to death in my life. And like Shadrak Meishack and abednego. I just believe that even if you dont deliver me through my exam tomorrow. I will still know that you are my god and that we're in way too deep to back out now.. I pray you help us to press deeper into you. thank you for this weekend. In Jesus name, amen