Hold on..

Coming towards the end of this week it went well i guess? :D Sat church went well, I was really glad in worship cause this time i felt i didnt try and get in the way of what god wanted to do. And the message was really challenging and impacting from Alex chapel. Learning to pray accurate prayers and asking for exactly what you want from god. Seems to be a recurring topic in leaders and in sat church now, hmm still kinda dont noe what gods trying to make me understand from it.

I guess my feelings in it all are trying to get in the way. I found myself thinking double-mindedly, "Is it really so wrong to pursue a relationship with her?, and i guess feelings of intimidation, inadequacy comes up again. Heard something from johan on Fb that really made me think. If you're not ready to be happy without something then your not ready to have it. That really challenged me. Could i really live without these feelings for her? Yes definately. Not ready but willing.

I guess the time draws near to say goodbye. Im looking through my thoughts, thinking about what to say, theres so much i can tell her, there so much i want her to know, and in the end im left with what should i say? I dont really know and the world continues to turn... What hurts the most is that theres not a thing in the world that u can do about it. I almost feel like im holding a wounded friend in my arms and just watching and crying until they're gone. I feel so helpless.

I know im about to enter a world of pain, sorrow, regret. Somehow i just know in my spirit that if anything, im just halfway through this dry season. That i know the failures at uni, at life with myself, failures with finding work, even failures with where you called me to serve. I just know its gonna pile on. I just pray you prepare me for it. Shake me up so i can let go of the junk in my life. You know that im a good actor, that i can hide anything from anyone apart from you lord, I just pray that you will be there to catch me when i break down. Even though it seems like theres nothing left, that this is the best it gets, even though its so hard to believe that the best is yet to come, ill pray you take whatever little trust i can give you lord. If theres ever a time you've required even more faith than what ive had with u in the past, i noe its now. I pray that whatever you want to do with me, i know i will be content. Let me be abandoned in you alone. I want to go even deeper, even more personal, even more intimate.

I trust in you, take me through hell if thats your will... Im just gonna hold onto you for dear life.