Today i have to say i was privelaged to be able to witness the testimonies of a great man of god. I love hearing testimonies of selfless men and women of god who carry out god's will in the hardship of their own lives, yet do it with humility, kindness, always encouraging those around them instead of tearing down in their circumstances. When i heard stories of such courage, i have to say i got perspective in my own circumstances.
To be honest I've been looking at my 'loss' in a negative light. Always focusing on what ive lost rather than what god's put in my hand already that im too stubborn to see and use. What i witnessed today was a warrior of christ who was absolutely souled out for christ, A fellow brethren who displayed a valiant armourbearing spirit. Im convinced that the testimonies and speeches spoken today was not by coincidence, but these testimonies sparked a passion in my own heart to live with conviction, ---some thoughts were running through my mind today--- that our days are numbered... What are we doing with the precious time given to us? cause if we're just living half-heartedly in what we do, then its a waste of time in my eyes. Anything worth having is going to be hard. Something worth throwing yourself fully into it, full body weight all or nothing lunge, rather than a half-strength wimpy jab. i guess thats what ive been asking myself these days, are you so scared as to be afraid to even step out of your comfort zone to be certain that your bro is alright or to share the gospel with someone at first sight of opportunity? cause i know for certain god didnt call me to live in my insecurities, in the condemnation of my sins, in my failures but rather to cast off these restraints and run the race marked out for me.
This is my prayer tonight:
That i may step out of my comfort zone, out of mundanity and conformity and into a place where there will be no hesitation to answer when your holy spirit calls. Lord ive been restrained in this for too long, i just pray you help me get to that place of total surrender again lord. Help me be rid of my own agendas once more so i can be used for your glory, lord. You see your faithful servant Nat, what a man of god he is by your hands. I pray that one day you'll bless him with an amazing woman of god in your timing by his faithfulness to you, and that one day I pray that i too can inspire people with the life i live out for you lord. I just want to forget all the hurt, the pains, to forgive and forget. and to just pursue you with all of me, to try and love you at a whole nother level and live out your will for all of my days. I love you so much Lord Jesus. I dont just want to say that with empty words but help me to live that out fully, in Jesus' name i pray. Amen
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Goodbye past, hello present
Today marked the end of my self-will, the day i can finally say goodbye for good... The grand finale. But also the start of a new chapter in my life..
A few days ago, my brother and i were getting real with each other in the car and funnily enough a quote by Robert Frost came up in our convo.
[Two roads diverged...]
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
Over the last few months one issue in my life has swamped me more than ever... That is that of a broken relationship or rather a relationship that never really began if you would. Perhaps it was just me in becoming obsessed with trying to make the relationship work thats led to my downfall but regardless, one thing is for sure (something that was spoken last night).. "Peace begins on your part".
That is peace in your circumstances, peace from hardships, peace in friendships or relationships. I guess my problem lied in that i didnt make the decision to make a decision to accept the reality and move on. That just cause a friendship you were pursuing for didnt work out, doesn't mean its the end of the world.
Thats why tonight was so special to me.
Tonight marked the night which i would ever see Gea, in all her beauty and splendor that god made her into, for his glory. And all i can say is that im glad, i wouldnt have had it any other way.. no melodramatic "No! i love you, dont leave me" sorta scene, just a simple silent recognition, "Thank you for what little impact you had on my life. I'm finally at peace."
I guess this in a way is the fork in my road, This is where i make the decision to walk down the road less traveled without looking back, without regret weighing down on my heart. Tonight i said the sinner's prayer in my heart, just as an act of rededication from chasing the wrong things rather than god's will in such a time as this. I just pray that this is where i can get back on track with where god wants me.
This the end of another sad but necessary chapter in my life...
...but its also the start a new beautiful fruitful chapter
Today was also the day i confirmed my wildlife leadership (though hesitant at first), I paid for wildlife summercamp and am currently sitting on a little over $300 in my bank account, which half is still needed to pay for mobile costs and the other half, for the wildlife tent and ph accomodation. This really doesnt look good on my part. But i believe god'll provide in my greatest times of need.
I realised from this point onwards, I cant turn back to my old lifestyle. That from here on in, the next generation will look to us as leaders for guidance, for wise decisions, for answers.. and to be honest im not ready for it. I'm only willing. I just pray that i can set myself up to be in the place where god can most use me without me struggling, and i guess that place is where im abandoned of my will, and open to do what he calls. Let this day the 20/12/2009 be the day where i begin this new chapter of my life.
A few days ago, my brother and i were getting real with each other in the car and funnily enough a quote by Robert Frost came up in our convo.
[Two roads diverged...]
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
Over the last few months one issue in my life has swamped me more than ever... That is that of a broken relationship or rather a relationship that never really began if you would. Perhaps it was just me in becoming obsessed with trying to make the relationship work thats led to my downfall but regardless, one thing is for sure (something that was spoken last night).. "Peace begins on your part".
That is peace in your circumstances, peace from hardships, peace in friendships or relationships. I guess my problem lied in that i didnt make the decision to make a decision to accept the reality and move on. That just cause a friendship you were pursuing for didnt work out, doesn't mean its the end of the world.
Thats why tonight was so special to me.
Tonight marked the night which i would ever see Gea, in all her beauty and splendor that god made her into, for his glory. And all i can say is that im glad, i wouldnt have had it any other way.. no melodramatic "No! i love you, dont leave me" sorta scene, just a simple silent recognition, "Thank you for what little impact you had on my life. I'm finally at peace."
I guess this in a way is the fork in my road, This is where i make the decision to walk down the road less traveled without looking back, without regret weighing down on my heart. Tonight i said the sinner's prayer in my heart, just as an act of rededication from chasing the wrong things rather than god's will in such a time as this. I just pray that this is where i can get back on track with where god wants me.
This the end of another sad but necessary chapter in my life...
...but its also the start a new beautiful fruitful chapter
Today was also the day i confirmed my wildlife leadership (though hesitant at first), I paid for wildlife summercamp and am currently sitting on a little over $300 in my bank account, which half is still needed to pay for mobile costs and the other half, for the wildlife tent and ph accomodation. This really doesnt look good on my part. But i believe god'll provide in my greatest times of need.
I realised from this point onwards, I cant turn back to my old lifestyle. That from here on in, the next generation will look to us as leaders for guidance, for wise decisions, for answers.. and to be honest im not ready for it. I'm only willing. I just pray that i can set myself up to be in the place where god can most use me without me struggling, and i guess that place is where im abandoned of my will, and open to do what he calls. Let this day the 20/12/2009 be the day where i begin this new chapter of my life.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
When someone asks, "Jeff How did you come to be such a leader on fire for god?" On that day all i can say is, In his strength alone when god took me the long way rather than the shortcut way option. (A testimony i wanna live out to tell one day)
--------
There was a time once when i met a great woman of god, I liked her a lot and i thought it could happen between us, that i could pursue her as my future wife. I felt that everything she was was perfect, i really loved all that she was. I remember so many times in those 1.5 years, i asked god, "why cant i lord? shes different from any other girl ive had a crush on. Both of us are saved, we like the same things etc." But God's answer was still always "no, I've got someone better in stall for you, Jeff. This is not your season"
Nonetheless the time came when i had to say goodbye when she left us to go home and i guess when she left, it really crushed me to see her go, and it really took all of who i was to deny myself of my selfish desires and pursue god's desires over my life.
But god is not someone who takes away and leaves us in the dirt, He might have taken her away (to a higher calling) but he also brought me to the next chapter in my life, one ive been searching and seeking for for so very long.. God brought forth new opportunities to serve him in leadership and sow into amazing young men of god, in work and university but most importantly, in salvation of my friends and family.
For that, no soul mate that god offered me could ever be of same value of what he gave me instead, the joy of the lord in my heart, the joy of the lord in even being able to serve his kingdom in things that would otherwise be unfathomable if done in my own strength. That is how i am the man i am today ;)
(I believe that whats more important than your future wife is your own godly identity and ordained purpose, what we're called to do for god's kingdom, In every guy is an insatiable hunger to be selflessly used by god for greatness, to feel significant in their own and god's eyes. I dare say, every being has a god shaped void in their hearts where they have tried and failed to satisfy that hole with carnal urges, drugs and suppressants, fame and fortune etc. That void can only be filled with your calling and purpose for god in this 1 precious life that we possess.)
------
Lord, i just pray that these words and testimony you spoke into being through the yearning in my heart wont fall void to my own ears and to those that hear it. I pray you hold me to this prayer also that one day i can look back and realise your works of wonders in my life and give you praise even more so. I pray and know that even though i dont know when the season is when i meet my soul-partner but i pray you give me the courage and the perseverance to trust in you no matter how dire my circumstances. I just pray you use me for your will again, day after day, I would never be the man i am today even if as much as one of my circumstances of the past did not happen so i give you glory for them lord. Thank you that I know now that i am in the smack bang centre of your will for my life. Let this testimony glorify your name alone and shape me into the man you want me to become, cause i know you're not done with me yet ;) I love you as always, probably never as much as you love me but nonetheless, thank you lord! Lover of ever essence of my being. In Jesus name i pray, Amen.
--------
There was a time once when i met a great woman of god, I liked her a lot and i thought it could happen between us, that i could pursue her as my future wife. I felt that everything she was was perfect, i really loved all that she was. I remember so many times in those 1.5 years, i asked god, "why cant i lord? shes different from any other girl ive had a crush on. Both of us are saved, we like the same things etc." But God's answer was still always "no, I've got someone better in stall for you, Jeff. This is not your season"
Nonetheless the time came when i had to say goodbye when she left us to go home and i guess when she left, it really crushed me to see her go, and it really took all of who i was to deny myself of my selfish desires and pursue god's desires over my life.
But god is not someone who takes away and leaves us in the dirt, He might have taken her away (to a higher calling) but he also brought me to the next chapter in my life, one ive been searching and seeking for for so very long.. God brought forth new opportunities to serve him in leadership and sow into amazing young men of god, in work and university but most importantly, in salvation of my friends and family.
For that, no soul mate that god offered me could ever be of same value of what he gave me instead, the joy of the lord in my heart, the joy of the lord in even being able to serve his kingdom in things that would otherwise be unfathomable if done in my own strength. That is how i am the man i am today ;)
(I believe that whats more important than your future wife is your own godly identity and ordained purpose, what we're called to do for god's kingdom, In every guy is an insatiable hunger to be selflessly used by god for greatness, to feel significant in their own and god's eyes. I dare say, every being has a god shaped void in their hearts where they have tried and failed to satisfy that hole with carnal urges, drugs and suppressants, fame and fortune etc. That void can only be filled with your calling and purpose for god in this 1 precious life that we possess.)
------
Lord, i just pray that these words and testimony you spoke into being through the yearning in my heart wont fall void to my own ears and to those that hear it. I pray you hold me to this prayer also that one day i can look back and realise your works of wonders in my life and give you praise even more so. I pray and know that even though i dont know when the season is when i meet my soul-partner but i pray you give me the courage and the perseverance to trust in you no matter how dire my circumstances. I just pray you use me for your will again, day after day, I would never be the man i am today even if as much as one of my circumstances of the past did not happen so i give you glory for them lord. Thank you that I know now that i am in the smack bang centre of your will for my life. Let this testimony glorify your name alone and shape me into the man you want me to become, cause i know you're not done with me yet ;) I love you as always, probably never as much as you love me but nonetheless, thank you lord! Lover of ever essence of my being. In Jesus name i pray, Amen.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Where are you heading?
What do you want to see come out of your leadership next year?
Where is the passion?
What is becoming of your quiet times?
What do you need to and can do now to prepare for what god's calling you to?
Where is your heart at?
How is your personal relationship and spiritual walk going?
These are some of the questions ive been asked and asking myself in this season. After going through the storm, i guess im not too sure what i should be doing atm, what i should be aiming for, most of all what aspect i need to focus on for god's calling. Ive felt as if life atm is just going through the motions. Mundane, Routine, Bored, Jobless, you name it.. i guess staying up till 3 o clock at night doesn't exactly help me to seek him.
i guess what has been on my mind is going into leadership for next year. When Val asked me "What do you want to see come out of your leadership next year?" i was kinda lost for words. I wasnt exactly sure i needed that degree of preparation to lead, to be honest i was going to jump straight in.
But i guess one thing that really concerned me and worried me is how we're going to help the boys be all that your've called them to be? and i guess i started thinking really secular thoughts like "What if they dont like me or cant work with me?, what if i cant connect with them? I guess what i was really seeing was images of failure from what the enemy was sowing, and just really questioning whether I was really called for leadership.
But i know those thoughts are wrong. I guess it took me till now (with the help of my bro's words of encouragement) to realise that we can't lead if we're trying to be something we aren't. The only person that your boys will follow and respect is simply put.
You
IF we try and put up a facade to hide the real us, How can you expect your boys to be real to us when we arent to them?
i guess if theres a code i wanna lead by its this:
-Always keep it real
-Lead by example, not experience.
-Speak with your lifestyle and actions.
... and i guess thats all for now :P (im tired maybe ill edit this post later.. i tend to rant a bit)
What do you want to see come out of your leadership next year?
Where is the passion?
What is becoming of your quiet times?
What do you need to and can do now to prepare for what god's calling you to?
Where is your heart at?
How is your personal relationship and spiritual walk going?
These are some of the questions ive been asked and asking myself in this season. After going through the storm, i guess im not too sure what i should be doing atm, what i should be aiming for, most of all what aspect i need to focus on for god's calling. Ive felt as if life atm is just going through the motions. Mundane, Routine, Bored, Jobless, you name it.. i guess staying up till 3 o clock at night doesn't exactly help me to seek him.
i guess what has been on my mind is going into leadership for next year. When Val asked me "What do you want to see come out of your leadership next year?" i was kinda lost for words. I wasnt exactly sure i needed that degree of preparation to lead, to be honest i was going to jump straight in.
But i guess one thing that really concerned me and worried me is how we're going to help the boys be all that your've called them to be? and i guess i started thinking really secular thoughts like "What if they dont like me or cant work with me?, what if i cant connect with them? I guess what i was really seeing was images of failure from what the enemy was sowing, and just really questioning whether I was really called for leadership.
But i know those thoughts are wrong. I guess it took me till now (with the help of my bro's words of encouragement) to realise that we can't lead if we're trying to be something we aren't. The only person that your boys will follow and respect is simply put.
You
IF we try and put up a facade to hide the real us, How can you expect your boys to be real to us when we arent to them?
i guess if theres a code i wanna lead by its this:
-Always keep it real
-Lead by example, not experience.
-Speak with your lifestyle and actions.
... and i guess thats all for now :P (im tired maybe ill edit this post later.. i tend to rant a bit)
Monday, November 30, 2009
One day.. when the people i lead or influence ask, "How did you come to be the man of god that you are today?", i want to be able to say, "It took one tough decision, one selfless choice, to give up my own desires and surrender it all to god just so he could use me the way you see in me today." I want people to marvel at what kinds of things you can do in a degenerate like me, to the point that I can be a son in your eyes. I pray you are glorified by all of it.
Lord im ready. Take me to the next chapter in your story for my life. Let me not get lethargic or lazy, but diligently run the race you set out for me, whereever it may lead. I trust in you fully with my life, take all of me, lord. Through thick and thin, let me never lose sight of you, let me never again put anything above your will for my life. Lord, i choose to put you first above all things. All i desire is that you use me in the fullest potential of the man you've called me to be and that this life will glorify your name. Let the people i influence in my life see the light of your goodness working in me and draw sinners, the broken hearted, the discriminated, the orphans, the widows to yourself. I wait upon you lord. Let me hear the holy spirit more clearly and not hesitate to answer his calls but live out this single life with an all or nothing attitude. Lord, i refuse to stay quiet any longer, i refuse to turn a blind eye to what's happening around me, while there are people crying out for you. Let me see every person i meet as though they were worth millions to me, as they are to you. Use me lord. I dont know where you're calling me, or where my calling lies. All i know lord is that theres this fire of passion for your people that was once quenched but is now rekindled. Lord, i wont let it go out again. No matter who or what stands in my way. You love your people too much for me to throw this away again. May my life just bring glory to your name lord. I pray you hold me to this. I love you, lord. I desire you and your thoughts more than anything. I pray you draw nearer than ever before. Lord let this prayer resonate in my heart than ever before. In your holy name i pray, my lord god of the most high. Amen.
Lord im ready. Take me to the next chapter in your story for my life. Let me not get lethargic or lazy, but diligently run the race you set out for me, whereever it may lead. I trust in you fully with my life, take all of me, lord. Through thick and thin, let me never lose sight of you, let me never again put anything above your will for my life. Lord, i choose to put you first above all things. All i desire is that you use me in the fullest potential of the man you've called me to be and that this life will glorify your name. Let the people i influence in my life see the light of your goodness working in me and draw sinners, the broken hearted, the discriminated, the orphans, the widows to yourself. I wait upon you lord. Let me hear the holy spirit more clearly and not hesitate to answer his calls but live out this single life with an all or nothing attitude. Lord, i refuse to stay quiet any longer, i refuse to turn a blind eye to what's happening around me, while there are people crying out for you. Let me see every person i meet as though they were worth millions to me, as they are to you. Use me lord. I dont know where you're calling me, or where my calling lies. All i know lord is that theres this fire of passion for your people that was once quenched but is now rekindled. Lord, i wont let it go out again. No matter who or what stands in my way. You love your people too much for me to throw this away again. May my life just bring glory to your name lord. I pray you hold me to this. I love you, lord. I desire you and your thoughts more than anything. I pray you draw nearer than ever before. Lord let this prayer resonate in my heart than ever before. In your holy name i pray, my lord god of the most high. Amen.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
The end or the beginning of your destiny?..
Tomorrow (today) is the last day i see her, and probably know her as a friend. What do i do? i haven't thought up a proper goodbye speech? nor bought her any gifts? nor really done much to facilitate our friendship?
Its funny.. i started thinking of what to do for her when she was leaving at the start of this year. And over a whole year.. i still haven't been able to think up anything worthwhile. And now... I even have nothing to offer?
i guess after all that.. i can only come to one conclusion:
I think too hard
The best goodbye i can give her is what i have to say in my heart at that very moment [god has placed every word on my tongue before it even comes to being]
The best gift i can give her are all the fond memories shes had with us and blessings for the future to come. Other than that i have nothing else worthwhile.
The best friendship i can give is the one i currently have with her. Just being who i am, and living all that i am in jesus name. Not trying to fit the shoe or be someone that im not.
and often the easiest thing to do becomes the hardest thing. To say goodbye, let go and give it all to god. and not take it back but release all that she is from my thoughts. Perhaps one day, we'll be able to enjoy each others company in heaven.
This is my prayer tonight lord. Ive finally arrived at the fork in the road. Its time to say goodbye and walk the path you set out for me, and for her to walk the path set out for her. I dont know if these roads will ever meet again but i dont care. All i need to know is that im walking the right path set out for me lord. I pray you not only make that path clear but help me to press on, not turn back to past things but to press on into the things you have prepared for me. Hahah, lord it feels so unreal. That the day is finally here. I know that this path to say no to my will and yes to yours is gonna be hard. I pray you dont let me turn around, but take it one inch at a time. Lord break down all ive wanted, all my desires... You're all i want, You're all i need, You're everything, let that be the song that resonates and cries out from my inner most parts. All else doesnt matter. Bring me closer to where you are lord. I give up, i give up on doing life my own way. nothing i try and do is ever right. Show me the way [you are the way]. Show me the discernment and truth for my situation [you are the truth]. Show me where my life should be [You are the life]. I love you and i need you, all my days, every breath i take, Tomorrow. Let your will be done alone. Not mine. thank you lord god. Your awesome name, Jesus i pray Amen.
Its funny.. i started thinking of what to do for her when she was leaving at the start of this year. And over a whole year.. i still haven't been able to think up anything worthwhile. And now... I even have nothing to offer?
i guess after all that.. i can only come to one conclusion:
I think too hard
The best goodbye i can give her is what i have to say in my heart at that very moment [god has placed every word on my tongue before it even comes to being]
The best gift i can give her are all the fond memories shes had with us and blessings for the future to come. Other than that i have nothing else worthwhile.
The best friendship i can give is the one i currently have with her. Just being who i am, and living all that i am in jesus name. Not trying to fit the shoe or be someone that im not.
and often the easiest thing to do becomes the hardest thing. To say goodbye, let go and give it all to god. and not take it back but release all that she is from my thoughts. Perhaps one day, we'll be able to enjoy each others company in heaven.
This is my prayer tonight lord. Ive finally arrived at the fork in the road. Its time to say goodbye and walk the path you set out for me, and for her to walk the path set out for her. I dont know if these roads will ever meet again but i dont care. All i need to know is that im walking the right path set out for me lord. I pray you not only make that path clear but help me to press on, not turn back to past things but to press on into the things you have prepared for me. Hahah, lord it feels so unreal. That the day is finally here. I know that this path to say no to my will and yes to yours is gonna be hard. I pray you dont let me turn around, but take it one inch at a time. Lord break down all ive wanted, all my desires... You're all i want, You're all i need, You're everything, let that be the song that resonates and cries out from my inner most parts. All else doesnt matter. Bring me closer to where you are lord. I give up, i give up on doing life my own way. nothing i try and do is ever right. Show me the way [you are the way]. Show me the discernment and truth for my situation [you are the truth]. Show me where my life should be [You are the life]. I love you and i need you, all my days, every breath i take, Tomorrow. Let your will be done alone. Not mine. thank you lord god. Your awesome name, Jesus i pray Amen.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Run your own race.. (23/11/09)
Tonight was something different. Who could've known that you could have a god encounter in the middle of your dining room with no-one else around, somewhat writhling in pain with a pulled calf from basketball a few hours before, with no worship music playing. Ever since bball finished, i kinda felt as if there was a heavy feeling on my heart, kinda started off with thinking about the leaders that make up my church, Ben, Shaun, Bobby etc. Kinda thinking about how each of their personalities was reflected in the game of ball we just had.
Ben's massive, post up aggressive, get the points and rebound with attitude reflects his plain simple but passionate textbook leadership. Shaun's impulsive drives reflects his ability to make decisions or take risks immediately while counting the cost. Bobby.. well his balling is competitive.. LOL cant really say much about his style.. but what i did notice was that everyone that played played with confidence in their own abilites and went hard for it. When i look at how i play, i hesistate, im not confident about what I'm meant to be doing even if i know i should be doing it.
Hmm lately ive been wondering whats been wrong with my self confidence, i guess thats what bball showed me, you know where your strength lies, you know what position you play and what roles you're meant to fulfill, yet your performance is lacking, or your stamina isnt up to scratch, you hesitate to make a decision and in one way or another it costs you.
i guess thats what the burdening feeling on my heart was... just sitting around alone in the dining room thinking about it.. whats wrong with me?
Perhaps ive missed the point all together with this, Perhaps the problem isnt even in my self confidence but just how much i compare myself to someone else, my roles/purpose to someone elses, i guess its times like these where gods word can just leave u breathless.
We can read and know the word off by heart, but sometimes you wont understand the weight behind it until you live it out. We think "Was it that simple??!" and to be honest it is :P. If God marked out and planned out a unique running route for each of us individually from the very beginning, how can we compare between the race that i run against the route that he/she runs?
If we thinking logically, the way we measure race fairness is by distance ran and time taken, so therefore this would be a fair test. But really theres more than meets the eye.
Just cause a running route is the same distance doesnt mean its the same effort involved. Theres much more factors involved (gravity, inclines, wind resistance, psychology, chronology, oxygen content etc.)
Just cause the runner beside you seems like they're farther ahead, or that theyre better off than you are, doesnt mean that you should just give up and try and run the route they ran. You are called for such a time as this, whether you have a mountain climb or a valley to breeze through.
Your race is marked out for YOU alone. Therefore run your race, no matter how further, higher, longer it is than the runner's next to you.
Lord god, i just wanted to pray about this, I know that im found in you lord, that everything i do has your purpose, and significance written all other it. I believe that though i fail that im not a failure, I pray you breathe your hope into me in those times of hopelessness and doubt, when im on the brink of giving up after my failures, instead i pray you enable me to redouble my efforts and work even harder all for your glory lord. Im right smack bang centre in the middle of your will for my life no matter how grim it may look, i still believe that you are greater still and that you do good for those who love you. Though i face a mountain that i know will tire me out and burn me out. I just hold fast to you knowing that you deliver me from anything. May this season only bring me closer to you, make our relationship only more personal and intimate to the point that when i hear your voice that ill know without hesitation that its you calling, lord. I want to give you control of everything in my life. every inch of me, every desire, every dream, every gift.. i want it to belong to you. i dont want to take things ive already given to you back. I pray that with all my heart lord. Let your name be glorified through this life of mine. Im in too deep to take it all back and walk away. I dont want to live lukewarm, half/half, just cruising through life. Lord from this day onwards, i want my life to burn out bright for you. You've done too much for me already, the best of me is the least i can give lord. I pray you hold me to this prayer. Its all or nothing for you lord. I choose all. all of u and nothing of me. let that be my prayer to you tonight lord. In jesus' most precious name, Amen.
Ben's massive, post up aggressive, get the points and rebound with attitude reflects his plain simple but passionate textbook leadership. Shaun's impulsive drives reflects his ability to make decisions or take risks immediately while counting the cost. Bobby.. well his balling is competitive.. LOL cant really say much about his style.. but what i did notice was that everyone that played played with confidence in their own abilites and went hard for it. When i look at how i play, i hesistate, im not confident about what I'm meant to be doing even if i know i should be doing it.
Hmm lately ive been wondering whats been wrong with my self confidence, i guess thats what bball showed me, you know where your strength lies, you know what position you play and what roles you're meant to fulfill, yet your performance is lacking, or your stamina isnt up to scratch, you hesitate to make a decision and in one way or another it costs you.
i guess thats what the burdening feeling on my heart was... just sitting around alone in the dining room thinking about it.. whats wrong with me?
Perhaps ive missed the point all together with this, Perhaps the problem isnt even in my self confidence but just how much i compare myself to someone else, my roles/purpose to someone elses, i guess its times like these where gods word can just leave u breathless.
We can read and know the word off by heart, but sometimes you wont understand the weight behind it until you live it out. We think "Was it that simple??!" and to be honest it is :P. If God marked out and planned out a unique running route for each of us individually from the very beginning, how can we compare between the race that i run against the route that he/she runs?
If we thinking logically, the way we measure race fairness is by distance ran and time taken, so therefore this would be a fair test. But really theres more than meets the eye.
Just cause a running route is the same distance doesnt mean its the same effort involved. Theres much more factors involved (gravity, inclines, wind resistance, psychology, chronology, oxygen content etc.)
Just cause the runner beside you seems like they're farther ahead, or that theyre better off than you are, doesnt mean that you should just give up and try and run the route they ran. You are called for such a time as this, whether you have a mountain climb or a valley to breeze through.
Your race is marked out for YOU alone. Therefore run your race, no matter how further, higher, longer it is than the runner's next to you.
Lord god, i just wanted to pray about this, I know that im found in you lord, that everything i do has your purpose, and significance written all other it. I believe that though i fail that im not a failure, I pray you breathe your hope into me in those times of hopelessness and doubt, when im on the brink of giving up after my failures, instead i pray you enable me to redouble my efforts and work even harder all for your glory lord. Im right smack bang centre in the middle of your will for my life no matter how grim it may look, i still believe that you are greater still and that you do good for those who love you. Though i face a mountain that i know will tire me out and burn me out. I just hold fast to you knowing that you deliver me from anything. May this season only bring me closer to you, make our relationship only more personal and intimate to the point that when i hear your voice that ill know without hesitation that its you calling, lord. I want to give you control of everything in my life. every inch of me, every desire, every dream, every gift.. i want it to belong to you. i dont want to take things ive already given to you back. I pray that with all my heart lord. Let your name be glorified through this life of mine. Im in too deep to take it all back and walk away. I dont want to live lukewarm, half/half, just cruising through life. Lord from this day onwards, i want my life to burn out bright for you. You've done too much for me already, the best of me is the least i can give lord. I pray you hold me to this prayer. Its all or nothing for you lord. I choose all. all of u and nothing of me. let that be my prayer to you tonight lord. In jesus' most precious name, Amen.
Monday, November 16, 2009
A time for everything.
I love how revelation comes in the most unexpected ways, whether it be from being inspired by illustrations of courageous leaders in Band of Brothers or through a horrifically unsensitized lego version of the bible or even while you're checking out what an amazing body your've been blessed with in the shower, you find that god speaks to you in such unique ways.
Coming off from my previous update, yesterday we had a speaker at church inspire us about overcoming the shaking in our lives
As you can see, the last couple of days hasnt been too good for me, and i guess thats whats been getting me down. Just allowing myself to be shaken by relationship problems.
I've noticed that sometimes we dont want to say certain things to uplift ourselves cause we believe we're just showing off or being proud. It was after i came out of the shower i realised what a god-breathed, god-glorifying body ive been blessed with, and well in the light of whats been happening lately, i guess that gave me if nothing then a little bit of confidence that the best is yet to come. That satan cant actually touch us unless we allow him to. And all this time I've been allowing the devil to get underneath my skin, trying to tear down what gods already built up in me. I believe that speaking goodness into your own life not just being positive but LITERALLY speaking god's word and promises into your own life has so much power in it that we underestimate.
Im gonna smile even when the going is tough, This is my declaration, my worship, that you still rule over my life even if all else fails, even if the only thing left for me in this world is to die, I just want you to know that im gonna die smiling :D!.
Ive pondered over that mindset quite a while now, whether im a hypocrite for thinking that, or if im being unreal to try and make things look ok when really its not. If anything i believe losing that mindset was for me to lose hope in everything. I guess thats when i realised that there are actually things to look forward to in my world, leading wildlife guys to become more than they are, studying a degree for a secure occupation just so u can be a blessing to whoever crosses your path, finding and bringing more strangers, friends into our church family, and more so, disciplining and breaking strongholds in my life that are holding my character, confidence, personality (etc.) back from the armourbearing soldier that you want me to be. And then and only then, when i put these things before my own desires, i believe thats when im ready to find someone whos heading the same direction, and praise god shes gonna be amazingly attractive, character, personality and physically-wise.
The way i see it now, is that theres a time for everything, this is a time to hold fast rather than give chase, a time for excellence rather than failure, a time for the harvest rather than drought, a time for others rather than myself. A time for this tulip to die while another pair begin to blossom. I think that in itself gives me the most hope, the most joy, that at least something beautiful is growing.. even if its not happening in my paddock for the time being ;D
Lord Jesus, i believe for all these things your've placed on my heart, This fire your've put in my heart to be more than i can be, i pray you fuel it for your glory. Never let it burn out. I thank you for this season lord, though its been painful, and probably more so in the future, I know that the best is yet to come, I pray more so, use me wherever you need me. Never let my prayers be "I'm just one man, what can i do?" but i pray from here on in, i hold onto a hope for the future, one thats been breathed and touched all over by you lord. Lets do things your way, the long way. I'm ready to go deeper with you, lord. After all, everything i am and can be up till now is by one man. That is by you lord Jesus. Thank you that i was called for a time like this lord.
Amen.
Coming off from my previous update, yesterday we had a speaker at church inspire us about overcoming the shaking in our lives
As you can see, the last couple of days hasnt been too good for me, and i guess thats whats been getting me down. Just allowing myself to be shaken by relationship problems.
I've noticed that sometimes we dont want to say certain things to uplift ourselves cause we believe we're just showing off or being proud. It was after i came out of the shower i realised what a god-breathed, god-glorifying body ive been blessed with, and well in the light of whats been happening lately, i guess that gave me if nothing then a little bit of confidence that the best is yet to come. That satan cant actually touch us unless we allow him to. And all this time I've been allowing the devil to get underneath my skin, trying to tear down what gods already built up in me. I believe that speaking goodness into your own life not just being positive but LITERALLY speaking god's word and promises into your own life has so much power in it that we underestimate.
Im gonna smile even when the going is tough, This is my declaration, my worship, that you still rule over my life even if all else fails, even if the only thing left for me in this world is to die, I just want you to know that im gonna die smiling :D!.
Ive pondered over that mindset quite a while now, whether im a hypocrite for thinking that, or if im being unreal to try and make things look ok when really its not. If anything i believe losing that mindset was for me to lose hope in everything. I guess thats when i realised that there are actually things to look forward to in my world, leading wildlife guys to become more than they are, studying a degree for a secure occupation just so u can be a blessing to whoever crosses your path, finding and bringing more strangers, friends into our church family, and more so, disciplining and breaking strongholds in my life that are holding my character, confidence, personality (etc.) back from the armourbearing soldier that you want me to be. And then and only then, when i put these things before my own desires, i believe thats when im ready to find someone whos heading the same direction, and praise god shes gonna be amazingly attractive, character, personality and physically-wise.
The way i see it now, is that theres a time for everything, this is a time to hold fast rather than give chase, a time for excellence rather than failure, a time for the harvest rather than drought, a time for others rather than myself. A time for this tulip to die while another pair begin to blossom. I think that in itself gives me the most hope, the most joy, that at least something beautiful is growing.. even if its not happening in my paddock for the time being ;D
Lord Jesus, i believe for all these things your've placed on my heart, This fire your've put in my heart to be more than i can be, i pray you fuel it for your glory. Never let it burn out. I thank you for this season lord, though its been painful, and probably more so in the future, I know that the best is yet to come, I pray more so, use me wherever you need me. Never let my prayers be "I'm just one man, what can i do?" but i pray from here on in, i hold onto a hope for the future, one thats been breathed and touched all over by you lord. Lets do things your way, the long way. I'm ready to go deeper with you, lord. After all, everything i am and can be up till now is by one man. That is by you lord Jesus. Thank you that i was called for a time like this lord.
Amen.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Hold on..
Coming towards the end of this week it went well i guess? :D Sat church went well, I was really glad in worship cause this time i felt i didnt try and get in the way of what god wanted to do. And the message was really challenging and impacting from Alex chapel. Learning to pray accurate prayers and asking for exactly what you want from god. Seems to be a recurring topic in leaders and in sat church now, hmm still kinda dont noe what gods trying to make me understand from it.
I guess my feelings in it all are trying to get in the way. I found myself thinking double-mindedly, "Is it really so wrong to pursue a relationship with her?, and i guess feelings of intimidation, inadequacy comes up again. Heard something from johan on Fb that really made me think. If you're not ready to be happy without something then your not ready to have it. That really challenged me. Could i really live without these feelings for her? Yes definately. Not ready but willing.
I guess the time draws near to say goodbye. Im looking through my thoughts, thinking about what to say, theres so much i can tell her, there so much i want her to know, and in the end im left with what should i say? I dont really know and the world continues to turn... What hurts the most is that theres not a thing in the world that u can do about it. I almost feel like im holding a wounded friend in my arms and just watching and crying until they're gone. I feel so helpless.
I know im about to enter a world of pain, sorrow, regret. Somehow i just know in my spirit that if anything, im just halfway through this dry season. That i know the failures at uni, at life with myself, failures with finding work, even failures with where you called me to serve. I just know its gonna pile on. I just pray you prepare me for it. Shake me up so i can let go of the junk in my life. You know that im a good actor, that i can hide anything from anyone apart from you lord, I just pray that you will be there to catch me when i break down. Even though it seems like theres nothing left, that this is the best it gets, even though its so hard to believe that the best is yet to come, ill pray you take whatever little trust i can give you lord. If theres ever a time you've required even more faith than what ive had with u in the past, i noe its now. I pray that whatever you want to do with me, i know i will be content. Let me be abandoned in you alone. I want to go even deeper, even more personal, even more intimate.
I trust in you, take me through hell if thats your will... Im just gonna hold onto you for dear life.
I guess my feelings in it all are trying to get in the way. I found myself thinking double-mindedly, "Is it really so wrong to pursue a relationship with her?, and i guess feelings of intimidation, inadequacy comes up again. Heard something from johan on Fb that really made me think. If you're not ready to be happy without something then your not ready to have it. That really challenged me. Could i really live without these feelings for her? Yes definately. Not ready but willing.
I guess the time draws near to say goodbye. Im looking through my thoughts, thinking about what to say, theres so much i can tell her, there so much i want her to know, and in the end im left with what should i say? I dont really know and the world continues to turn... What hurts the most is that theres not a thing in the world that u can do about it. I almost feel like im holding a wounded friend in my arms and just watching and crying until they're gone. I feel so helpless.
I know im about to enter a world of pain, sorrow, regret. Somehow i just know in my spirit that if anything, im just halfway through this dry season. That i know the failures at uni, at life with myself, failures with finding work, even failures with where you called me to serve. I just know its gonna pile on. I just pray you prepare me for it. Shake me up so i can let go of the junk in my life. You know that im a good actor, that i can hide anything from anyone apart from you lord, I just pray that you will be there to catch me when i break down. Even though it seems like theres nothing left, that this is the best it gets, even though its so hard to believe that the best is yet to come, ill pray you take whatever little trust i can give you lord. If theres ever a time you've required even more faith than what ive had with u in the past, i noe its now. I pray that whatever you want to do with me, i know i will be content. Let me be abandoned in you alone. I want to go even deeper, even more personal, even more intimate.
I trust in you, take me through hell if thats your will... Im just gonna hold onto you for dear life.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
A thought on Purpose..
Lately in church a recurring theme thats been spoken about, has been purpose.. How do we know purpose is just a personal desire or god's will?.. Hmm Gea spoke about in her message, how it could be a little bit of both, How god gives us the desires of our hearts provided they glorify him. By align our desires with gods desires.
You must go through the crucible before you have any right to pronounce a verdict, cause in the crucible you learn to know god better.. God is working for his HIGHEST ENDS until his purpose and man's purpose become one.
I remember in year 10 english we studied a book called "The Crucible" which was about the Salem witch hunts and all that stuff and i remember the teacher explaining the symbolism behind a crucible..
A crucible in chemistry is a highly heat resistant cup-like thing that usually sustains very high temperatures (fair enough.. how does this relate?). What crucibles are generally used for is for melting certain substances for purification and what happens is that when the heating material is exposed to high temperatures, the heat energy breaks down intermolecular bonds or whatever chemical bonds the material has and therefore it melts. After a long time of applied heat, impurities within the substance is released and rises to the surface. Its sorta a way for chemists to purify and scoop out the inpurities on the surface.
When we go through a hard period or dry season of unfruitfulness, its like the process of purification in a crucible. Sometimes we can complain that its too hard, its too hot! i cant handle it! but this is just the process of god breaking us down, (breaking down molecular bonds). Most people can handle up to here but the next bit is the hardest bit.
Once bonds break, they can still be reformed (by cooling down) but god doesnt leave it there, he still sees the imperfections, the insecurities in our lives even when we've put down everything to follow him. Theres still more holding us back. and what it is is nothing more than ourselves (and other factors). The Familiarity, the Mundane, the ordinary. We give in to these insecurities, believing that its just US that its just the way we were made. I dont believe that god sent his precious son to die for us just so we can go to heaven and thats it, He also died for us so that we can be free from being prisoners to our insecurities, doubt, hopelessness.. (the list goes on.).
After a specific time and temperature unique to each material, the impurities are released from the mixture of the substance and rises to the surface. There comes a point when through constantly entrusting the refiner with everything we are, through circumstance and dry seasons that we break down, we give up our insecurities willingly, we open up to him and allow our inpurities to rise to the surface in his sight. Its only then that the refiner can actually see the materials ready and he scoops the impurities out of our lives and sees his own image reflected in the material. Of course it will hurt when God removes the junk from our life, the material loses a part of itself as well. But when they're gone, The material can then shine according to the purpose of its refiner, whatever shape or size, Lustre or strengthening, hardness or touchness etc.
If we're all honest here, i can say that ill never be a 100% pure titanium or platinum metal but every time we are refined we come closer and closer to that point of perfection as we keep our eyes on our refiner and not look at what a mess we are or what kind of a crucible we're in, how hot and unbearable it is.
While we're going through times of hardship and trouble, just remember that god's always monitoring you and the moment you think you're gonna evaporate from his will and purpose. Hes got the spatula ready to scoop out the unnecessary things from our life.
Lord i just pray thank you for this word on Purpose, I pray that we'll never let what jesus did on the cross for us be credited any less than he deserves, just our everything. I pray that you open my eyes to what is the junk in my life that i need to bring openly to you, i dont want to be held back from all that you'rve planned and purposed for my life. I thank you that already You'rve placed me on the path of recovery, from hurt, disappointment. I know that what you have in stall for me but more so what you have in stall for people around me through what ive been called to do, i pray you only recieve the best from me, all or nothing. Thank you for using me to speak life and encouragement into my brothers today. I felt so much joy to be able to be used for your pruposes after such a long season. I pray that i take nothing but give you all the glory that you deserve and more. Thank you lord for this day. In your name i pray. amen
You must go through the crucible before you have any right to pronounce a verdict, cause in the crucible you learn to know god better.. God is working for his HIGHEST ENDS until his purpose and man's purpose become one.
I remember in year 10 english we studied a book called "The Crucible" which was about the Salem witch hunts and all that stuff and i remember the teacher explaining the symbolism behind a crucible..
A crucible in chemistry is a highly heat resistant cup-like thing that usually sustains very high temperatures (fair enough.. how does this relate?). What crucibles are generally used for is for melting certain substances for purification and what happens is that when the heating material is exposed to high temperatures, the heat energy breaks down intermolecular bonds or whatever chemical bonds the material has and therefore it melts. After a long time of applied heat, impurities within the substance is released and rises to the surface. Its sorta a way for chemists to purify and scoop out the inpurities on the surface.
When we go through a hard period or dry season of unfruitfulness, its like the process of purification in a crucible. Sometimes we can complain that its too hard, its too hot! i cant handle it! but this is just the process of god breaking us down, (breaking down molecular bonds). Most people can handle up to here but the next bit is the hardest bit.
Once bonds break, they can still be reformed (by cooling down) but god doesnt leave it there, he still sees the imperfections, the insecurities in our lives even when we've put down everything to follow him. Theres still more holding us back. and what it is is nothing more than ourselves (and other factors). The Familiarity, the Mundane, the ordinary. We give in to these insecurities, believing that its just US that its just the way we were made. I dont believe that god sent his precious son to die for us just so we can go to heaven and thats it, He also died for us so that we can be free from being prisoners to our insecurities, doubt, hopelessness.. (the list goes on.).
After a specific time and temperature unique to each material, the impurities are released from the mixture of the substance and rises to the surface. There comes a point when through constantly entrusting the refiner with everything we are, through circumstance and dry seasons that we break down, we give up our insecurities willingly, we open up to him and allow our inpurities to rise to the surface in his sight. Its only then that the refiner can actually see the materials ready and he scoops the impurities out of our lives and sees his own image reflected in the material. Of course it will hurt when God removes the junk from our life, the material loses a part of itself as well. But when they're gone, The material can then shine according to the purpose of its refiner, whatever shape or size, Lustre or strengthening, hardness or touchness etc.
If we're all honest here, i can say that ill never be a 100% pure titanium or platinum metal but every time we are refined we come closer and closer to that point of perfection as we keep our eyes on our refiner and not look at what a mess we are or what kind of a crucible we're in, how hot and unbearable it is.
While we're going through times of hardship and trouble, just remember that god's always monitoring you and the moment you think you're gonna evaporate from his will and purpose. Hes got the spatula ready to scoop out the unnecessary things from our life.
Lord i just pray thank you for this word on Purpose, I pray that we'll never let what jesus did on the cross for us be credited any less than he deserves, just our everything. I pray that you open my eyes to what is the junk in my life that i need to bring openly to you, i dont want to be held back from all that you'rve planned and purposed for my life. I thank you that already You'rve placed me on the path of recovery, from hurt, disappointment. I know that what you have in stall for me but more so what you have in stall for people around me through what ive been called to do, i pray you only recieve the best from me, all or nothing. Thank you for using me to speak life and encouragement into my brothers today. I felt so much joy to be able to be used for your pruposes after such a long season. I pray that i take nothing but give you all the glory that you deserve and more. Thank you lord for this day. In your name i pray. amen
Monday, November 9, 2009
A lesson to learn..?
Today wasnt such a good day for me. I felt really discouraged when i did the exam. Ive tried my hardest lord, or so i thought. I couldnt do all the questions and i spent so much time in this subject, countless hours at night working on the assignments, learning the theory, sitting there blankly at the screen debugging. I just felt as if ive been robbed of my time lord. Throughout this whole semester ive been attending every lecture, giving my best at every tutorial and lab yet it still wasnt enough. Im sorry if i blamed you for not working through this. Cause i know you have lord, and i know theres more than meets the eye with me not doing so well.. Maybe you want me to learn to study even harder and break my limit? maybe its learning not to sow time into things that waste my time. Although it hurts so much, thank you lord that i can believe and hold onto you knowing that Im not a failure, even i if i might have failed. I just pray you show me what i need to do. give me a new mindset, a new attitude towards my studies that i want to glorify you with. I failed in my purity today lord, sorry about that. i dont want your blood to be a cover up for my sins but thank you for taking my failures, my sins and insecurities. I know that you alone are god, and you alone are good. Help me to stand strong and cling to you in midst of my circumstance. It just seems like ive lost sight in what im meant to be doing, or where im meant to be going. Im not even sure if uni is where yourve called me to be at this exact moment. Thank you lord, i love you. Keep my life close to you, i know you wont ever let me be hurt beyond what i can handle. I trust in you that something great will come out of this in the end. I can only follow you all or nothing. let it be so. Im giving it all to you lord, i pray you take care of it, take over the wheel, take it all.. ;)
Sunday, November 8, 2009
a personal encounter..
Do you remember the analogy of the martha and mary service? how the mary service is where you really soak in and receive the word? and how the martha service is the one where you serve and sow into people's lives? i think its a good idea to have a balance between the two.. however thats exactly what i havent been having..
well i think in this season, i've had so little mary services.. perhaps i didnt believe it to be that important.. that I was a 'mature' christian.. i can just sow into other people's lives and nothing will go wrong.. God will love me for it cause i love serving so much ;) but that attitude and thinking is totally wrong to think that you dont need to improve in your walk.. that your already mature enough to take on the world. Its so dangerous cause it invites pride into your life.
Something that Dan talked about today, really challenged me.. (he didn't directly challenge me but something he said)
My bro is awesome at guitar... it takes him like 30 seconds to learn a song while it takes me ages..
Hahaha wow thats awesome.. hmm dont u ever feel inadequate compared to him?
hahah not really not at all.. in fact if anything it motivates me to work harder to be like him..
Honestly, to have a godly mindset like that.. i think someone would have to be so secure in what gods called for them... so selfless to the point that they had no pride in what they possessed or learned.. but all of the glory REALLY went to god.. not all speech or physical appearance. I think thats what god spoke to me about today..
Here i am thinking im all that.. that im a godly enough man to date the most beautiful godly woman, that im so intellegent to the point that i dont need to ask my programming tutor nor classmates for help, that i was a godly enough man to be up there in the same rank with my brothers in their godly wisdom (which they clearly have never for a second felt that way towards me) when all that was just a pure shot of pride. To think i never needed help with anything was the wrong mindset altogether.
what does this have anything to do with martha and mary services? not much actually.. i just like rambling :P
but it does have relevance to is what happened in praise and worship, during the recording of that song, "The beautiful exchange". Maybe it was when i was doing the other worship songs but i felt really negative thoughts unintentionally while i was standing next to dan..
just seeing how he worshipped, occasionally he'd lift his hands. And i would think:
"Yeh ive been there before, i lift my hands longer than he or anyone else does, its nothing special ur just standing there lifting ur hands." althought i have these negative thoughts i know how to control them. but thats when it hit me. Since when was the last time i had a personal encounter..?
i thought personal encounters are something that are wildlife age stuff.. real immature stuff.. i guess becoming a leader i tried too hard.. and i let those things i used to love doing in worship die.. i finally let the fire burn out i realised after so many people have spoken into my life, "dont let that fire burn out , jeff".. and guess what? i did so without even realising it. i let my personal encounters become religious acts to show ppl how to worship.. (being a backup vocalist doesnt exactly help here, in fact ive felt so fake in my worship serving)
But god brought me back today and he broke my heart down, for the better....
When i first heard this song, i saw dan worshipping with all his heart.. not showing off.. but pure genuine worship. and i guess thats what brought me back to my old wildlife days when i felt on fire for god, when i actually had a personal encounter with him in worship.
"god what will it take for me to have that personal encounter again?"
I guess thats when the song lyrics started pounding me, every stanza i felt convicted me. How proud i was.. How far from him i really was, thinking i was right before him. and ultimately how much he loved me. I started boring my eyes out.. What a wreck i actually am. I cried my eyes out and cried out to god, as each word rung out truth cause it was so true in my life.
Thats when i felt nothing for mistakes i made (i managed to utter a testie pop during this song that i wouldve cringed at) but i felt no shame, cause i really believed i was giving god my all though not out of pride, but out of a genuine desire for a personal encounter even though it felt like anything i could try and do was trash compared to anything else ppl were giving to god.. and god just broke my heart up and then put it all back together again.
Thanks Dan, the way you live your life really brings glory to god, your genuine worship has the capacity to break someone like me down. And srsly god's working through you in ways you never even thought or expected like just then. I really honour you for putting god's desires before your own. How you're not searching for a relationship but rather searching for god's heart and his will over your life. Thank you for the man of god your've been faithful to god to become. Never lose sight of who you are and what amazing selfless calling you're doing in jesus name!
Also thanks Gea, for the mindset urve imparted to me. To challenge us to live and give all or nothing for Jesus. To allow yourself to be absolutely, genuinely and selflessly spent must have cost so much for you to arrive at this point where EVERYTHING you do you do for the glory of god. If anything, you've indirectly challenged and encouraged me to live out my life in the fullest being fully spent for his kingdom. To not be afraid when the holy spirit calls me to administer or show love to people who may be homeless, hungry, more unfortunate than us. I believe i finally understand. it was never you i liked but rather how attractive you are. but what led me to believe that it was genuine love for you (even when i hardly knew you as a friend) was the godly character thats evident in you. I guess thats why i was intimidated to approach you as a friend in the first place. Here we have an awesome woman of god, thats fully secure in christ, how could i ever amount to anything as awesome as she is? But like what Dan said, if your not good enough dont beat yourself up but work harder for it. I really want the kind of selfless character that gods shaped through you, Gea. I dont want that for my own life, but i desperately want to be fruitful for gods kingdom. Thank you for being such a blessing in my life.
And finally thanks Caleb, for always being there for me, running this race alongside me. You always tell me the truth even if it hurts, but i appreciate that. You probably know but im the kind of guy that needs reassurance in what im doing. I need things to be confirmed for me. And thats what you srsly do in my life aside from imparting awesome wisdom, I value your words, your thoughts so much though im sorry if i cant understand it enough or too insensitive to appreciate the heartfelt words you always share with me. I remember when we became good brothers, we both asked each other to be armourbearers to one another, but ive always felt that your've been called to do great things while i pick you up if you ever need. But sometimes ive felt that you're actually the armourbearer instead when you speak such a great encouragement into my life. But really, thank you bro. You really are an amazing companion of my life ;)
Finally lord, i just pray that you continue to build me up to be the man that you want me to be. Discard this pride in that im too proud to admit i need help when i really do. I want to be fully spent all or nothing, wherever your calling for my life is. I want to lay down my own desires and pursue you ferverantly. Even though im going through hard times for exams, I couldnt be any more content for what you've done for me this weekend, what junk you've put to death in my life. And like Shadrak Meishack and abednego. I just believe that even if you dont deliver me through my exam tomorrow. I will still know that you are my god and that we're in way too deep to back out now.. I pray you help us to press deeper into you. thank you for this weekend. In Jesus name, amen
well i think in this season, i've had so little mary services.. perhaps i didnt believe it to be that important.. that I was a 'mature' christian.. i can just sow into other people's lives and nothing will go wrong.. God will love me for it cause i love serving so much ;) but that attitude and thinking is totally wrong to think that you dont need to improve in your walk.. that your already mature enough to take on the world. Its so dangerous cause it invites pride into your life.
Something that Dan talked about today, really challenged me.. (he didn't directly challenge me but something he said)
My bro is awesome at guitar... it takes him like 30 seconds to learn a song while it takes me ages..
Hahaha wow thats awesome.. hmm dont u ever feel inadequate compared to him?
hahah not really not at all.. in fact if anything it motivates me to work harder to be like him..
Honestly, to have a godly mindset like that.. i think someone would have to be so secure in what gods called for them... so selfless to the point that they had no pride in what they possessed or learned.. but all of the glory REALLY went to god.. not all speech or physical appearance. I think thats what god spoke to me about today..
Here i am thinking im all that.. that im a godly enough man to date the most beautiful godly woman, that im so intellegent to the point that i dont need to ask my programming tutor nor classmates for help, that i was a godly enough man to be up there in the same rank with my brothers in their godly wisdom (which they clearly have never for a second felt that way towards me) when all that was just a pure shot of pride. To think i never needed help with anything was the wrong mindset altogether.
what does this have anything to do with martha and mary services? not much actually.. i just like rambling :P
but it does have relevance to is what happened in praise and worship, during the recording of that song, "The beautiful exchange". Maybe it was when i was doing the other worship songs but i felt really negative thoughts unintentionally while i was standing next to dan..
just seeing how he worshipped, occasionally he'd lift his hands. And i would think:
"Yeh ive been there before, i lift my hands longer than he or anyone else does, its nothing special ur just standing there lifting ur hands." althought i have these negative thoughts i know how to control them. but thats when it hit me. Since when was the last time i had a personal encounter..?
i thought personal encounters are something that are wildlife age stuff.. real immature stuff.. i guess becoming a leader i tried too hard.. and i let those things i used to love doing in worship die.. i finally let the fire burn out i realised after so many people have spoken into my life, "dont let that fire burn out , jeff".. and guess what? i did so without even realising it. i let my personal encounters become religious acts to show ppl how to worship.. (being a backup vocalist doesnt exactly help here, in fact ive felt so fake in my worship serving)
But god brought me back today and he broke my heart down, for the better....
When i first heard this song, i saw dan worshipping with all his heart.. not showing off.. but pure genuine worship. and i guess thats what brought me back to my old wildlife days when i felt on fire for god, when i actually had a personal encounter with him in worship.
"god what will it take for me to have that personal encounter again?"
I guess thats when the song lyrics started pounding me, every stanza i felt convicted me. How proud i was.. How far from him i really was, thinking i was right before him. and ultimately how much he loved me. I started boring my eyes out.. What a wreck i actually am. I cried my eyes out and cried out to god, as each word rung out truth cause it was so true in my life.
Thats when i felt nothing for mistakes i made (i managed to utter a testie pop during this song that i wouldve cringed at) but i felt no shame, cause i really believed i was giving god my all though not out of pride, but out of a genuine desire for a personal encounter even though it felt like anything i could try and do was trash compared to anything else ppl were giving to god.. and god just broke my heart up and then put it all back together again.
Thanks Dan, the way you live your life really brings glory to god, your genuine worship has the capacity to break someone like me down. And srsly god's working through you in ways you never even thought or expected like just then. I really honour you for putting god's desires before your own. How you're not searching for a relationship but rather searching for god's heart and his will over your life. Thank you for the man of god your've been faithful to god to become. Never lose sight of who you are and what amazing selfless calling you're doing in jesus name!
Also thanks Gea, for the mindset urve imparted to me. To challenge us to live and give all or nothing for Jesus. To allow yourself to be absolutely, genuinely and selflessly spent must have cost so much for you to arrive at this point where EVERYTHING you do you do for the glory of god. If anything, you've indirectly challenged and encouraged me to live out my life in the fullest being fully spent for his kingdom. To not be afraid when the holy spirit calls me to administer or show love to people who may be homeless, hungry, more unfortunate than us. I believe i finally understand. it was never you i liked but rather how attractive you are. but what led me to believe that it was genuine love for you (even when i hardly knew you as a friend) was the godly character thats evident in you. I guess thats why i was intimidated to approach you as a friend in the first place. Here we have an awesome woman of god, thats fully secure in christ, how could i ever amount to anything as awesome as she is? But like what Dan said, if your not good enough dont beat yourself up but work harder for it. I really want the kind of selfless character that gods shaped through you, Gea. I dont want that for my own life, but i desperately want to be fruitful for gods kingdom. Thank you for being such a blessing in my life.
And finally thanks Caleb, for always being there for me, running this race alongside me. You always tell me the truth even if it hurts, but i appreciate that. You probably know but im the kind of guy that needs reassurance in what im doing. I need things to be confirmed for me. And thats what you srsly do in my life aside from imparting awesome wisdom, I value your words, your thoughts so much though im sorry if i cant understand it enough or too insensitive to appreciate the heartfelt words you always share with me. I remember when we became good brothers, we both asked each other to be armourbearers to one another, but ive always felt that your've been called to do great things while i pick you up if you ever need. But sometimes ive felt that you're actually the armourbearer instead when you speak such a great encouragement into my life. But really, thank you bro. You really are an amazing companion of my life ;)
Finally lord, i just pray that you continue to build me up to be the man that you want me to be. Discard this pride in that im too proud to admit i need help when i really do. I want to be fully spent all or nothing, wherever your calling for my life is. I want to lay down my own desires and pursue you ferverantly. Even though im going through hard times for exams, I couldnt be any more content for what you've done for me this weekend, what junk you've put to death in my life. And like Shadrak Meishack and abednego. I just believe that even if you dont deliver me through my exam tomorrow. I will still know that you are my god and that we're in way too deep to back out now.. I pray you help us to press deeper into you. thank you for this weekend. In Jesus name, amen
Saturday, November 7, 2009
The burden is finally lifted
For 1 and a half years ive been liking this awesome woman of god.. but with no pursuit and i guess since shes leaving at the end of the year i told her my feelings towards her. She took it really well and really understood me, praise god, shes srsly a jewel and i hope that shes well blessed when we goes back to her hometown. Shes gonna do amazing things, lord.. i really love her as an amazing sister in christ and i pray that if anything we can only continue to be better friends to each other ;) thank you lord. You really made today a great day for me..
Hey, can i talk to you alone?
yeh sure jeff
Ive been wanting to tell you this for a while.. and well i hope you dont take this as too much as a shock but Ive had a crush on you for probably the last one and a half years, I thought I'd let you know cause i felt as if you needed to hear it from me. And well if ive been ignorant or awkward or weird around you, i just wanna apologise about it...
Jeff, i dont think you're weird
haha but yeh I know our gap is pretty big and i really dont think im ready to start a relationship but i know that you probably are in that season where you're ready for one and god's called you to do great things in indonesia and i really just wanna honour that. I know that god's got an amazing husband waiting for you ;) thanks for all these years, You'rve really blessed me with your message, like the one that you spoke about family, and yeh it just really impacted my life ;) i guess in all honesty, cause i saw you as an amazing beautiful woman of god, i kind of felt really intimidated by you
ohh really? im sorry
nah it isnt your fault.. the last thing i want to see is for u to think its your fault cause its really my fault for not coming out and talking about it earlier but If theres anything i ever regret its that i let my feelings get in the way of us becoming better friends..
aww jeff you're an amazing guy, thanks for that
long story short after that i talked to her as friend would. And man well it felt really real, like a burden was lifted from my heart im just glad i have nothing else to hide. nothing else to distract me in church from you, god. Thank you for helping her understand lord and for me to speak my feelings and thoughts, i can move on now...
I really praise and thank you for what an amazing day this has been.. first with Gea's message and then later with making things work out for us ;) you are amazing lord, 2 days ago i was balling my eyes out but today you really answered my prayers.. and i really owe it to you lord ;) THANK YOU! XD!
Not only that you showed me where you want me, when Val challenged me about leadership for next year.. "what do i want to see come out of serving in leadership?" what do i need to prepare myself for? and i can really see what you want for my life..
In a way today was like the putting to death of the past... and welcoming of whats to come. I feel as if i have purpose.. significance.. ive been called to be a leader for the next generation of men of god to come. And i can only pray you work through me.. no pride, no glory to us, but we give it to u lord ;). Caleb really spoke something that challenged me today.. taking ownership of our church, responsibility for our service, cause ultimately its up to us to build it up, we are the next generation, we're willing lord.
I know this season is not a time for me to be looking for relationships. I just have to finish what ive started in university for your glory. Come out and have a stable job and rake it in for ur kingdom and to be a blessing to others ;) Thank you lord
I know you have an amazing wife in stall for me. I cant wait till that day i find her and she finds me.. I see what caleb and joyce have to go through to be with each other.. and i believe that i'll have to go through something like that one day. Maybe im already going through it this season already but the two of them, they honestly honour you first with their lives and love. I can only stand by and give minor support and rebuke along the way.. but you are the one that keeps them together but also closer to you and your purpose for their lives. I can only thank you for what an amazing man of god my brother is, and an amazing sister in christ she is for you,
What can i say lord? its a dream story come true.. If it makes me this happy hearing about Caleb talk about it.. how much more does he thank you and love you for what you'rve given him.. this mighty man of valor thats gonna change the world.
Im content lord. I cant say enough thank you's to ever express myself but thank you from the bottom of my heart. All those times i cried my eyes out, when i felt you abandoned me, when i was hurting and broken. I know it was all done out of love for me.. i know now.. 1 and a half years of perseverance.. :D you have never forsaken me. I can only trust you even more.
Yet im still confused as to where you want me to be, where my calling is.. my direction is leadership, but what i wanna see is what my life calling is, where my ministry is. I'm just existing lord.. i want more of you, i want more of you in my cg boys lives. I can never get enough of you lord. You make my day :D! LOVE YOU SO MUCH LORD JESUS! XD! you're amazing! im so happy! :P
thank you again :P
Hey, can i talk to you alone?
yeh sure jeff
Ive been wanting to tell you this for a while.. and well i hope you dont take this as too much as a shock but Ive had a crush on you for probably the last one and a half years, I thought I'd let you know cause i felt as if you needed to hear it from me. And well if ive been ignorant or awkward or weird around you, i just wanna apologise about it...
Jeff, i dont think you're weird
haha but yeh I know our gap is pretty big and i really dont think im ready to start a relationship but i know that you probably are in that season where you're ready for one and god's called you to do great things in indonesia and i really just wanna honour that. I know that god's got an amazing husband waiting for you ;) thanks for all these years, You'rve really blessed me with your message, like the one that you spoke about family, and yeh it just really impacted my life ;) i guess in all honesty, cause i saw you as an amazing beautiful woman of god, i kind of felt really intimidated by you
ohh really? im sorry
nah it isnt your fault.. the last thing i want to see is for u to think its your fault cause its really my fault for not coming out and talking about it earlier but If theres anything i ever regret its that i let my feelings get in the way of us becoming better friends..
aww jeff you're an amazing guy, thanks for that
long story short after that i talked to her as friend would. And man well it felt really real, like a burden was lifted from my heart im just glad i have nothing else to hide. nothing else to distract me in church from you, god. Thank you for helping her understand lord and for me to speak my feelings and thoughts, i can move on now...
I really praise and thank you for what an amazing day this has been.. first with Gea's message and then later with making things work out for us ;) you are amazing lord, 2 days ago i was balling my eyes out but today you really answered my prayers.. and i really owe it to you lord ;) THANK YOU! XD!
Not only that you showed me where you want me, when Val challenged me about leadership for next year.. "what do i want to see come out of serving in leadership?" what do i need to prepare myself for? and i can really see what you want for my life..
In a way today was like the putting to death of the past... and welcoming of whats to come. I feel as if i have purpose.. significance.. ive been called to be a leader for the next generation of men of god to come. And i can only pray you work through me.. no pride, no glory to us, but we give it to u lord ;). Caleb really spoke something that challenged me today.. taking ownership of our church, responsibility for our service, cause ultimately its up to us to build it up, we are the next generation, we're willing lord.
I know this season is not a time for me to be looking for relationships. I just have to finish what ive started in university for your glory. Come out and have a stable job and rake it in for ur kingdom and to be a blessing to others ;) Thank you lord
I know you have an amazing wife in stall for me. I cant wait till that day i find her and she finds me.. I see what caleb and joyce have to go through to be with each other.. and i believe that i'll have to go through something like that one day. Maybe im already going through it this season already but the two of them, they honestly honour you first with their lives and love. I can only stand by and give minor support and rebuke along the way.. but you are the one that keeps them together but also closer to you and your purpose for their lives. I can only thank you for what an amazing man of god my brother is, and an amazing sister in christ she is for you,
What can i say lord? its a dream story come true.. If it makes me this happy hearing about Caleb talk about it.. how much more does he thank you and love you for what you'rve given him.. this mighty man of valor thats gonna change the world.
Im content lord. I cant say enough thank you's to ever express myself but thank you from the bottom of my heart. All those times i cried my eyes out, when i felt you abandoned me, when i was hurting and broken. I know it was all done out of love for me.. i know now.. 1 and a half years of perseverance.. :D you have never forsaken me. I can only trust you even more.
Yet im still confused as to where you want me to be, where my calling is.. my direction is leadership, but what i wanna see is what my life calling is, where my ministry is. I'm just existing lord.. i want more of you, i want more of you in my cg boys lives. I can never get enough of you lord. You make my day :D! LOVE YOU SO MUCH LORD JESUS! XD! you're amazing! im so happy! :P
thank you again :P
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Deeper...
Just going through a really dry season..
kinda been feeling down towards the end of this year, getting hammered by life, only barely passing exams.. jobless.. tough times working out relationships.. haha the lot really. its been kind of fruitless this half of the year and i guess just been getting these very pessimistic thoughts.
One of these thoughts keep recurring.. Its always me standing there in the dark, always seeing god and her, they're always having a great time, they have a great relationship..
and im always just standing there.. yearning to open my mouth and say something, or to join in with the fun.
"Why dont i ever have that with you lord?.."
I've always felt like im the X-factor, like why i cant do something as well as someone else can, or why im so slow to understand or cant explain myself.. when all my brothers can so easily, they can talk to girls, they know exactly what truth to bring out and speak into someone's life whereas I'm always stuck for words or finding the 'right' thing to say.. I feel so intimidated when i try and approach them.
.. and so i turn around and walk away, i dont even know where to go..
I'm nothing like who she is for you, I dont even deserve to be in your presence.
But the second i turn around and take the first step away. You're always already there right behind me asking "where are you going?". I'm always convicted.. I guess im just happy enough that you noticed me..
and the thought repeats and recurs every time i think about it. Its just a boulder i cant get over..
The more recent one is somewhat like it.. it reminds me of a little toddler who is so spoilt that they don't realise the value of the toys that their parents give them... and they throw it away. [that just really gets me.. the toddler doesnt understand how much the parent gave just to buy them this toy, and they just get over it.. :P i guess you cant blame them]
It seems like a similar dream. I'm sitting in the corner alone and im surrounded by so many toys and shes over the other side of the room with cooler toys and so much more.. The daddy's playing with her and embracing her (as usual).. and im left to wonder... why i even have these dusty toys.. i dont have anyone to share these toys with.. noone else has use for them? (who wants second hand toys anyways??).. and finally i guess I just want the affection and attention of the one who gave them to me..
I guess I'm just going through a spiritual dry dry drought season. The 'toys' or gifts ive been blessed with doesnt seem like they're doing anyone else any good anymore.. and though i know im not.. i still feel so inadequate, Moreso i feel as if i cant approach you anymore without seeing how awesome she is and feeling intimidated that im not good enough..
Lord i know you love me so much.. it hurts you (just like it hurts the parent who gave their child those gifts, only for the love they showed to be tossed away) to see me in this way but i know i can trust you with my heart. Your've never let me down ever.. Make or Break it.. its yours lord. If you allow it.. I just want to be closer to you. That is my heart's true desire...
Though it breaks my heart to know shes leaving, the only regret i have is that i couldnt be a better friend for her.. that i let my feelings get in the way.. Im so sorry G. I just hope i can be remembered as a friend when we meet in heaven.. I've never blamed you for these things happening to me.. its just me. I really pray your husband will be an amazing man of god, that he'll be everything your heart has wanted in Jesus' name, I'd love to rejoice with you on that day..
As for me.. I can only pray that you make me into the man of god you desire for me, lord. Everything i read today in boundless.. Confidence.. Responsible.. having a godly leadership and council to be able to lead a family.. to have the courage to give up my life for and stand up for my friends and family when persecution comes their way, to receive your heavenly wisdom to do exactly that and stamp down satan when he tries to attack them.. Lord I'm an armourbearer in your name only.. if its your will, speak through me and help me to build them up to be amazing leaders, to encourage and empower when they need, to rebuke and protect them with my shield of faith and sword of the spirit, when satan speaks lies into their lives. This is my prayer to you alone, lord.
I know you will never forsake me.. that those dreams are lies from satan to take me further away from me and your will for me and others in my life.
What can i say? Lord we've been through too much together already.. i cant walk away from you. I can only go deeper with you...
kinda been feeling down towards the end of this year, getting hammered by life, only barely passing exams.. jobless.. tough times working out relationships.. haha the lot really. its been kind of fruitless this half of the year and i guess just been getting these very pessimistic thoughts.
One of these thoughts keep recurring.. Its always me standing there in the dark, always seeing god and her, they're always having a great time, they have a great relationship..
and im always just standing there.. yearning to open my mouth and say something, or to join in with the fun.
"Why dont i ever have that with you lord?.."
I've always felt like im the X-factor, like why i cant do something as well as someone else can, or why im so slow to understand or cant explain myself.. when all my brothers can so easily, they can talk to girls, they know exactly what truth to bring out and speak into someone's life whereas I'm always stuck for words or finding the 'right' thing to say.. I feel so intimidated when i try and approach them.
.. and so i turn around and walk away, i dont even know where to go..
I'm nothing like who she is for you, I dont even deserve to be in your presence.
But the second i turn around and take the first step away. You're always already there right behind me asking "where are you going?". I'm always convicted.. I guess im just happy enough that you noticed me..
and the thought repeats and recurs every time i think about it. Its just a boulder i cant get over..
The more recent one is somewhat like it.. it reminds me of a little toddler who is so spoilt that they don't realise the value of the toys that their parents give them... and they throw it away. [that just really gets me.. the toddler doesnt understand how much the parent gave just to buy them this toy, and they just get over it.. :P i guess you cant blame them]
It seems like a similar dream. I'm sitting in the corner alone and im surrounded by so many toys and shes over the other side of the room with cooler toys and so much more.. The daddy's playing with her and embracing her (as usual).. and im left to wonder... why i even have these dusty toys.. i dont have anyone to share these toys with.. noone else has use for them? (who wants second hand toys anyways??).. and finally i guess I just want the affection and attention of the one who gave them to me..
I guess I'm just going through a spiritual dry dry drought season. The 'toys' or gifts ive been blessed with doesnt seem like they're doing anyone else any good anymore.. and though i know im not.. i still feel so inadequate, Moreso i feel as if i cant approach you anymore without seeing how awesome she is and feeling intimidated that im not good enough..
Lord i know you love me so much.. it hurts you (just like it hurts the parent who gave their child those gifts, only for the love they showed to be tossed away) to see me in this way but i know i can trust you with my heart. Your've never let me down ever.. Make or Break it.. its yours lord. If you allow it.. I just want to be closer to you. That is my heart's true desire...
Though it breaks my heart to know shes leaving, the only regret i have is that i couldnt be a better friend for her.. that i let my feelings get in the way.. Im so sorry G. I just hope i can be remembered as a friend when we meet in heaven.. I've never blamed you for these things happening to me.. its just me. I really pray your husband will be an amazing man of god, that he'll be everything your heart has wanted in Jesus' name, I'd love to rejoice with you on that day..
As for me.. I can only pray that you make me into the man of god you desire for me, lord. Everything i read today in boundless.. Confidence.. Responsible.. having a godly leadership and council to be able to lead a family.. to have the courage to give up my life for and stand up for my friends and family when persecution comes their way, to receive your heavenly wisdom to do exactly that and stamp down satan when he tries to attack them.. Lord I'm an armourbearer in your name only.. if its your will, speak through me and help me to build them up to be amazing leaders, to encourage and empower when they need, to rebuke and protect them with my shield of faith and sword of the spirit, when satan speaks lies into their lives. This is my prayer to you alone, lord.
I know you will never forsake me.. that those dreams are lies from satan to take me further away from me and your will for me and others in my life.
What can i say? Lord we've been through too much together already.. i cant walk away from you. I can only go deeper with you...
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